


Wacky Woohoo Flower Man

by schwertlilie



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Body Horror, Crack, Gen, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Silly, if you think too hard about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 20:17:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21142586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schwertlilie/pseuds/schwertlilie
Summary: Sitting in Nico's van during a job, Nero makes the mistake of asking Dante where all those roses come from.(They grow from his junk.)





	Wacky Woohoo Flower Man

**Author's Note:**

> Look, people can't just drop prompts like ["100 words of rose as a cock"](https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/393921.html?thread=2318605249#cmt2318605249) and expect me to ignore them.

"Let me get this straight." Nero frowned across the van table at Dante. "The roses grow from your _dick_?"

"Yep." Dante leaned back in the chair and crossed his ankles. "Where did you think they came from?"

"A Devil Arm. How does that even _work_."

"Well." Dante slid his hand into his pants in an obviously practiced gesture, twisted his wrist, and pulled out a half-open rose with a flourish - only a few outside petals were mussed. He flicked the green flower hip, and Nero could see a broken nub next to the stem. "Vines instead of veins under my skin, mostly. When it reaches the end, it grows the flower & stem in both directions."

"But where does the stem-" Nero realized just what hole the stem had to grow down, and groaned. He did _not_ need that image in his head. At least the roses were thornless. "Nevermind."

"Figured it out, did ya?" Dante laughed, then leaned back again. "Taunting with them works out nicely. If I don't take 'em out often enough, they start to grow leaves and that _itches_." 

Nero glanced across at the women on the couch. "And you two aren't bothered."

Lady shrugged. "I was eating his pizza when he found out. I've had time to get used to the idea, as long as he doesn't throw them at me."

"It's not particularly interesting." Trish cupped her hand like she was holding the top of a beer can, then wiggled her fingers. "The petals don't even move on their own."

Nero made a face and looked at the table. Okay, so, note to self, avoid the dick flowers. But what if...

Dante twirled the rose by its stem. "Go ahead, ask."

"... Does it hurt? When you pull it out?"

"Not much more than tweezing or waxing." At Nero's blank look, his eyes started to sparkle. "What? Never primped or trimmed to appeal to the ladies?"

Lady snorted, saving Nero from having to reply. "The only 'ladies' you appealed to were the demons who thought you'd be easier to eat without the chest hair."

"Is this about the gun harness? Because that was a classic."

Nero buried his head in his hands and ignored the growing argument around him. "Too much information..."


End file.
